Marriage is hard. That is what Lisa Cholodenko’s 2010 comedy drama seems to be about; marriage and raising teenagers in the modern world. As a parent of three, myself, one who is still currently a teenager, I can attest that it is not a walk in the park. It takes a great deal of self-sacrifice and effort to make things work. You have to work all the time to maintain a good, healthy balance between time for your spouse, time for your kids, and time for yourself, too. Rarely is that an easy feat, and more often, things like work can upset that balance. It is such a difficult thing to get right that more and more people are choosing to forgo marriage altogether in favor of shallow relationships that allow them to jump in and out of them without the hassle of commitment.
Gone are the days where the man was the breadwinner and the woman stayed at home and was a homemaker, taking care of the children and the home. In most households, both partners have to work just to afford a home. Even when the income is sufficient for there to be just one earner, gender roles have shifted, too, and it is considered less fulfilling to be a homemaker, regardless of whom in the relationship that would be. That puts a strain on any long-term relationship and can lead to feelings of neglect or restlessness. This exists in some form or another in nearly every long-time relationship, not just between a husband and wife.
Lisa Cholodenko’s The Kids Are All Right is exploring these themes through the eyes of a family that, to some audiences, would be considered atypical, yet the reality is it is not atypical at all but for one aspect, and that one aspect is rapidly normalizing. That one aspect is the gender of the parents, both of whom are women. What is so interesting in this film is that that doesn’t matter in the slightest. The story and its themes would be virtually the same even if this were a more conventional marriage between a man and a woman. That makes this story a universal one, a more inclusive one that involves things that attack all kinds of committed relationships, gay or straight. Having the two leads be in a lesbian marriage doesn’t change that at all.
The couple in question is Dr. Nicole “Nic” Allgood (Annette Bening), an OB/GYN specialist and the primary breadwinner of the family), and Jules Allgood (Julianne Moore), the homemaker who has never had a full-time career but is in the process of starting a landscape design business. Together they have two children, one born to each of the women through the use of a single sperm donor. On the outside, everything looks like a typical happy family, not without its ups and downs, but functional. Nic drinks a little too much, and Jules feels like she doesn’t contribute enough to the family, but they love each other and are sexually compatible.
The real troubles begin when Laser (Josh Hutcherson), Jules’ biological son, decides he wants to find out who his biological father is. Being underage, though, he cannot find that out on his own, so he convinces his older sister, Joni (Mia Wasikowska), to inquire at the sperm bank for him. This leads the two of them to Paul Hatfield (Mark Ruffalo), a free-spirited owner of an organic foods restaurant. Paul is excited about getting to know the kids he fathered and is perfectly fine with the relationship between Nic and Jules.
The wives, when they find out about Paul, try to be open about it, but Nic, especially, is having a hard time with this revelation, feeling that she and Jules should be enough for their kids. Paul’s lifestyle clashes with her beliefs, too, turning the household upside down when Joni starts rebelling and fighting with her. On top of that, Jules has agreed to do landscaping work for Paul, which leads to the two of them getting closer to each other than they should. Paul’s impact on all of their lives threatens to destroy the fragile marriage and family that has been cultivated for over two decades.
Despite the reputation this film has, this is not a gay-themed film. This is not about the homosexual experience or the struggles with being a lesbian couple in modern America. This story could be about a straight couple, and nothing fundamentally would be any different. That is one of the film’s biggest strengths. It showcases the commonalities of the two different types of marriage, not highlighting the differences.
Well before Paul enters the picture, this is a marriage in crisis; Jules’ affair with Paul is just the most recent symptom. Part of that is something most of us who have been married or in a partnership for a long period of time deal with: we get complacent and take things for granted. Nic is not an uncaring woman, but she is a woman who has a rigid way of thinking, and that causes tension in the marriage. She also, unintentionally, fails to nurture Jules’ emotional needs, which has led to a feeling of inadequacy in the latter. It is this, more than anything else, that drives Jules into the arms of Paul.
Paul is portrayed as a bit of a modern-day hippy. He’s a man who hasn’t really grown up and taken life a bit more seriously. Because of that, he doesn’t think of the consequences of his actions. He’s in his own relationship but is quick to act on his baser instincts regardless of the ethical and logistical ramifications of his actions. He speaks like a man half his age who has spent a lifetime taking recreational drugs. At first, this carefree mentality entices Joni and Laser, but eventually, they find that it is shallow and pathetic.
Watching this film made me take a step back and think about my own relationship and the little ways that I take my spouse for granted. It puts an X-ray on my marriage and makes me realize that there are things I do that keep a distance between me and my wife. The kids may be all right, but what about my wife? It’s a message that most people could use in their own lives to help them realize that complacency can drive someone into the arms of another. Even if it doesn’t get that far, it makes for an unhappy marriage, and that’s not fair for either partner. Marriage is hard. The longer it lasts, the harder it gets. But with the proper work, it is also rewarding and worth all that effort. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight; we’re all humans, and we all have needs that have to be met, otherwise we start to lose our sense of worth and stop feeling loved.
Academy Award Nominations:
Best Picture: Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte, and Celine Rattray
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Annette Bening
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Mark Ruffalo
Best Writing (Original Screenplay): Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
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Release Date: July 9, 2010
Running Time: 107 Minutes
Rated R
Starring: Annette Bening, Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Mia Wasikowska, and Josh Hutcherson
Directed by: Lisa Cholodenko
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